What is to be gained from being sacrificial and even more specifically, exactly what or who are you sacrificing yourself and or your hopes, dreams, wishes, and joy to, and for what reason? Has anyone asked you to do this for them or is fear the major over riding factor and if so, fear of what, yourself? Really?
The need to be free and to just be and the guilty feelings associated with giving up a lifetimes inbred tradition of expectations that you associate with some sort of debt you owe about following guide lines that you personally connect with some other individuals deepest dreams of putting down roots and not your own is the root cause of all of this confusion and frustration. While at the same time you ignore your own deepest desires and in fact refuse to even think about what is in fact best for you; You are not a martyr and playing the shadow is not your gig my friend and in allowing yourself to do this you destroy not only your very real opportunities to make a new start but you also invite in the grim reaper who will show you what is truth and what has been fantasy or lies, hopefully you will not allow it to go that far. There is an old alchemist tale about how gold and lead are made out of the same alloy, one processed and one raw. The seed and the harvest is how I look at it and it is time that you reap what you have sown. What is the harvest to be, plentiful or barren. These are the two primary extremes and for you there can be no in between that will not destroy all the potential that all have worked for but that now you have denied. What are you trying to hold onto? Is it really your dream? You cannot build or rebuild something until you clear out the space for something new. The thing that I have found to be true is that focus is the key and in order to have this you must decide exactly what you are going to focus on and not allow yourself to be distracted by any outside source. Out side sources are any and all things that have nothing to do with your predetermined objective. You have spent the last few years living in the past quite literally and even though it was in all probability necessary to do this you have lost complete contact with what your own wants and even your needs are and it is now time for you to find out what these things are. In your state of mind the only way that you can figure that out is if you decide what it is that you do not wish to keep in your life or what no longer works for you.This includes people, places, and things. It is a process and you do not have to rush it. You are in fact rebuilding your life out of the chaos and the destruction and yes the despair and the pain and rubble. Life is equally made up of all of the elements and each one of them will have their particular homage paid to them in their time. It is important that you recognize this and also that you acknowledge exactly which one of these you are in now so that you can respond and take responsibility accordingly. This you must do and get it over with if nothing else so that you can move on, this rolling around in it is the pits to say the very least and it serves absolutely no one and no purpose. Cry if you must and you will and then wipe away your tears and get on with it. The thing that you must understand about distractions is this, they are pivotal points that give you an excuse to go in another direction other than the positive one that you started out upon. I would suggest turning off all of your telephones and outside stimuli other than music of course while you work on your projects. Also, limit all outside communications to ones that you enjoy or love and do not allow guilt, shame, or blame to enter in as it defeats the purpose completely and besides you already have enough of that all on your own. You need light, get outside and breathe from time to time even if it is when the stars come out. Above all be gentle with yourself. Love and Lightning.